A Hidden Agenda

So I was trolling my way through YouTube checking out some videos and trying not to be sidelined by the insane amounts of side swept hair and skinny jeans when I decided to give one or two of these videos a shot. I have no problem with being honest in stating that there are a handful of these bands that I don't mind. But the thing is, this genre _____core (fill in whichever of the five million there are these days) will be viewed ten years from now exactly the way nu-metal is viewed by most people these days. Oddly enough, ten years or more ago when nu-metal was hugely popular it was 80's metal that the kids hated. Pop culture, she's a bitch I tell ya! Anyway I was trying to set my own personal viewing record of one of these videos (the longest being about 32 seconds) when I stumbled upon something. Quickly I viewed the next video in the related videos section and sure enough, there it was again. Video after video for the next half an hour or more I found it again and again. What is it?, you ask. Well, it seems that more and more bands care about a very specific percentage of our population and I don't think any of them will ever admit to it.

The percentage of the population I speak of? I would think it would be obvious that I was speaking about our vast amounts of over weight and obese youth. Alot of these bands have cornered the market when it comes to people under the age of 20. According to Troubledteen101.com, 14% of adolescents in the United States are overweight and believe you me there is no person who is actively in a touring band that likes to bang fatties on a nightly basis. "Bullshit!", you say. "I don't know of a single band or label that goes out and promotes these kinds of things!" Au contraire, my friend. Rise Records specifically loves these same type of bands that are into healthy practices. Not to mention there is Auto-tune a plenty! I understand your thoughts here are one of two things: "Wut??" or "You sir, are fucking crazy!". But alas, I am not crazy at all. Most of these videos almost play out as an aerobics videos with four key exercises. Currently as far as I am aware, none of these exercises have any names or descriptions, so I'm going to do just that. I will also give you some great examples.

-The Toddlertantrum
This is where all or most of the members of the band bounce together in a violent manner throwing there heads down. Adding the action of raising your instrument above your head and bringing it back down can increase resistance, working the arms.

-The Toddlertantrumonapogostick
A variation of the Toddlertantrum, this incorporates full on jumping for working the legs. Specifically the calf muscles.

-The Holyshitsomethingischasingme
Here you have all or most of the members of the band running in place for an unknown amount of time. Tough guy looks on your face or the act of reaching for something that isn't there are a plus.

-The Crabstanceabcrunch
Squat as low to the ground as possible while keeping your back straight and holding your instrument. Holding this position works the mid and lower body quite well. You can also move around slowly on the heels or balls of your feet to get some added resistance to your legs.

Now, let us take a gander or two at a few examples...........
First off let me state that there is just about an endless supply of videos with examples in them. I just happened to randomly choose these four with the exception of the Attack Attack! video and you'll see why.

Here we have the video for "To The Wolves" by The World We Knew. This is the only band in the list that I personally enjoy. They only do one of the four exercises I have mentioned but it gives you a little taste of what I am talking about. Now there are hints of the Toddlertantrum and Crabstanceabcrunch at random points but nothing definite. The key highlight of the video is at the 2:21 mark through 2:31 where we see the Holyshitsomthingischasingme executed by the entire band.

This is the video for "A Prophecy" by Asking Alexandria. I will say that the one thing that these fellas did right was film in the rain to keep from sweating. Video highlights include the Toddlertantrumonapogostick at the 0:23 mark with the entire band performing the exercise at the 0:43 and 3:20 marks. You will also see the Toddlertantrum at the 0:32 mark with the entire band doing it at the 1:07 and the 2:51 marks. These guys take the Toddlertantrum even further by doing a rep or two while raising their instruments above their heads and bringing them back down at the 3:20 mark.



Next up is the video for Abandon All Ship's "Take One Last Breath". For some reason their lead vocalist sticks out like a sore thumb to me. I mean, where the hell is the longer side swept hair?? Plus he looks as though he could have been cousin Vinny's grandson had they made a few sequels to My Cousin Vinny. There is even a bonus Guido Fist Pump at the 1:00 mark. Exercise highlights include the Toddlertantrumonapogostick starting at the 0:15 mark with the entire band going to town at the 0:21 mark. At 2:06 we see bits of the Holyshitsomethingischasingme followed by the Toddlertantrum at 2:42.



Now for the Creme de la Creme if you will. This band and video raises the bar completely by giving you all for exercises in one place. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you......"Stick Stickly" by Attack Attack! Most of the "big four" run throughout the entire video. The Toddlertantrum starts early at the 0:08 mark and they even step up their game for the haters by doing a rep while raising their instruments above their heads and bringing them back down at 0:59. You can see sporadic bits of Toddertantrumonapogostick around the 1:02 mark. They even pull out all the stops and we see the Crabstanceabcrunch at 1:17 and 2:41. Last but not least they top all of this greatness off with the Holyshitsomethingischasingme with just the lead vocalist @ 1:37 and the entire band going bonkers at 2:53. Thats how Attack Attack! rolls sucka!

So if you follow a good diet and use these four basic exercises on a consistent basis, you too could have a record contract in you hands in no time. You'll also be a few pounds lighter. Hell, I don't even think you need all that much talent in playing your instrument. You certainly don't need to have any vocal abilities (once again, its why the good lord invented Auto-tune!) And who says that music doesn't give back to the community??